Missed Connections (Honorable Mention - Fiction)

by Jamey Strathman

Feb 15 - WHY NOT 

ME- Shy girl sitting across from you at coffee shop.

YOU- Equally shy boy, well dressed, eating a fruit parfait. Long blond hair, pale, glasses.

I was thinking recently, 'Why not you,' just as a broad, relative term. Why not my neighbor, why not the teenager walking his dog across the street, why not the clerk at my grocery store, why not my old high school crush? People fade in and out of my mind on a near-daily basis. Not only that, actually. They fade in and out of my life. Why not just pick one at random to share the rest of my life with? I look at you and see someone moderately attractive. I could never be afraid of you cheating on me or hurting me. When we both come to terms with the fleeting nature of consciousness, won't we both end up in the same place with any other person? I could be with any other guy, you could be with any other girl.

I work long hours and come home to a dark, empty apartment every night. I'm sure you (you and mostly everyone) know what that feels like. Why not return to you sitting on the couch, reading The New York Times online with a dim light beside you and a gin and tonic on the end-table? Why not you, seated across from me in the kitchen as we eat leafy green salads with too many croûtons in them, crunching as quietly as we can manage. These specifics seem to hardly matter, but how can they not if our lives are comprised of them?

The “you” in this situation is collective, it is a variable that fills in for the ideal partner. The only thing that makes me apply “you” to you (the blond) is the horrible feeling in my stomach telling me that this is supposed to be how it is, that this is (and isn't EVERYTHING!?) the best part of my life, that since I was born, this is what I've worked towards, and will be working on for years, decades, forever.

So why not you? 

Feb 16 - THE INHERITANCE 

you know who I am. you know why I'm posting this. truth is, I'm tired. they say when you fear your parents, when you loathe them, you become more like them as you age. well, you won. I'm slowly turning into you. I hope you're happy. this is a missed connection of the most understated variety. this is me calling “us” out. it isn't enough for me to know that you love me; I have been operating under that assumption my entire life. I want you to say it. you could have said it when you talked on the phone yesterday. you could have said it when I was in town to visit you and mom last. you could shout it out right now, shout it out so loud that I could hear it no matter where you are right now. I know your voice isn't what it used to be, but I bet you can muster up enough strength. do it. let it happen. scream. scram. cram. ram. am.

you're tired. I'm tired too. we go to bed tired. we wake up tired. we spread jam over our english muffins tired. we commute to work tired. we smoke cigarettes tired. we drink after a long day tired. we go to bed tired. I feel lines being etched into my forehead when I'm smiling. 'I love you' lines. I look into the mirror and see your name filling them. I see my name filling them. your name is my name. it makes sense that I fall just as you do, arms flying in that same predictably unpredictable pattern. 

Feb 16 - THE INVENTION OF PERIPHERAL VISION 

As time passes, as we continue to “ignore” each other, I've been getting these visions. I see you sitting in that same place, eating that fucking salad like you do every day in the courtyard below my office (you're doing it as I type this, actually). I crank open the window in my office just enough so that my head and neck will stick out. I slit my throat. The blood is carried on the wind. You feel the first few drops on your head and look up. This is when the torrent hits you. It douses your suit coat. It peppers your salad. It makes everything a bit more bearable. It has grown increasingly appeasing since I worked out the equation in my head. You lose me, while I only lose myself. 

Mar 20 – RAYMOND 

So I saw the “Everybody Loves Raymond” bumper sticker on your car.  Do you really love him?  As much as I do?  I think Raymond's the best.  The way he always gets angry at his parents, ha ha, I can relate.  I’m glad you love Raymond too.  It’s been really hard to go on without new episodes of that show.  I still don’t really know how to fill that block of time.  I tried sitting around, but that didn’t work out very well, cuz I started thinking about things that I don’t like thinking about.  That’s why I was watching “Everybody Loves Raymond” in the first place!

Raymond’s mom sure likes making food, huh?  See, these are the things I like about that show.  My mom also enjoys feeding me, and when I get full, she tells me, “Joseph, you better finish what’s on your plate,” ha ha.  One time I thought about changing my name to Raymond, not only because I really like the show, but also because Raymond is just a really nice name.  Imagine it:

“Hello, Raymond!”

“Raymond, how have you been?”

“Raymond, quit leaving the toilet seat up!”

“Raymond, I’m leaving you.”

“Would you like fries with that, Raymond?”

“The Roman empire came to ruin when it was overrun by surrounding Barbarian tribes, Raymond.”

But I decided not to.  Too much hassle, and I had just purchased the first two seasons on DVD.  Didn’t leave the house much after that.

So, let’s talk about you.  What’s your favorite episode?  Other than Raymond (of course, ha ha), who is your favorite character?  Have you ever met Raymond in person (I tried, but I guess he didn’t hear me, or he was too far away to acknowledge me or something)?  We can share Ray moments where we accidentally do something that Raymond would do on the show.  Meet me for coffee?  I know this place downtown that looks almost like Raymond’s kitchen.  I’ll take you there, and we can both talk about how much we love Raymond. 

Mar 31 – THE NEWS ISN’T THE SAME WITHOUT YOU 

It’s Tuesday evening.  I’m sitting on my couch with my feet up on the coffee table.  My wife has gone to bed early.  The television is on.  It illuminates the room with a milky glow.  My eyes have dried out, and start stinging if I don’t blink enough.  My watch beeps.  It is now 10:00 and you’re not there. 

Mar 31 – RE: THE INHERITANCE

I remember asking you (this was a few years back) why you kept using.  You looked back at me, held that question in the air for what seemed far too long, and said, “Because nothing is straight.”  I think I know what you meant now.  When I was at the dock a few weeks back, I saw a guard-rail overlooking the river.  How it looked straight from one angle, then when I walked up to it and saw it from another angle, it appeared as an optical illusion.  There was no line.  The guard-rail was round.  And I imagined you standing beside me, saying “Nothing is straight,” with smoke coming out of your mouth.

Do you remember telling me that?  I see it all the time now.  I see it in my strawberry Fanta, which tastes great, but fills out my hips more than I'd like to admit.  I see it in my friends as well, with “casual addictions,” regardless of whether they're healthy or not.  There are excuses being made everywhere.  So, “nothing is straight.”  You used it as a roundabout way of explaining your problem.  Here's what I want to know: does that excuse you from using?  Does that excuse you from leaving?  Does it excuse having to wear ear plugs for the next couple of months when Mom couldn't stop crying in an empty bed?  You should have been there to see that- the bed looked so big without you in it.

Apr 5 - MISSING CONNECTION 

I still text you.

I don't stop thinking about the time we spent spend together.  About all of the things you gave give me.  When we sat sit in your room and cried cry together about those at this moment that have left our lives.  You told tell me, "Zach, don't forget about our time together.  I barely remember my mom, and she was so sweet to me."

I said say, "A long time ago, I read a book.  There are these creatures in it called Tralfamadorians.  They behave a lot like we do, but they have an extra sense.  They can perceive time in a way we cannot.  So when you say that your mom is gone and that she was sweet to you, you aren't entirely right.  Just like when I say, 'I have a dog,' I don't mean that I possess one at this moment in time.  I just mean that somewhere along the strand of my timeline, I possess it.  At the strand we can see, your mom is not alive, just as my dog is not, just like the man who wrote of the Tralfamadorians is not.  These things we speak of have not ceased to exist.  We are just unable to interact with them now," and with that you smiled smile and look at me, and tears fell fall from your face.  You said say thank you.

This is where the weird part comes in.  I know that at the part where you died die, I stopped stop being able to think like I did before.  I started start using past-tense conjugation even though I know that the past is only the past if I want it to be.  I've just been getting this sneaking feeling that I devalue you in some way by just moving on.  The Tralfamadorians have a saying.  It is "So It Goes."  I have to tell myself "So It Goes" at least two or three times a day so I don't break and fall to the ground.

When you were are at the part where you were are clinging to the last moments of your life, I would sit by you and read you the book.  This is the part I see the most clearly now.  You seem so frail and near-death that I can barely look up from the pages at you.  I can see you when I write this.  You force a grin.

I text you, "I miss you," and maybe somewhere six months ago you get my message.  You respond, "I miss you too."  Your name was Carrie.  Your name is Carrie.

  

Apr. 12 – RE:RE: THE INHERITANCE 

this is the last conversation we shared.  i took your parts out because it hurts to read them.

“Look at me.  Why is that so hard for you?  

“Why do you always hide behind this bullshit?

“It's like you can't say something seriously.  You're such a fictional character.  It's like you purposefully go out of your way to make people feel bad about themselves.  Is that your M.O.?  Do you like it when you make me cry?  I can't believe I EVER

“- no, it's not that, it's just that I love you, and I hate to see you pulling this.  You just never seem to care.  

“No, I know you DO care, but I don't like that you're taking advantage of me like this.

“Honestly, yes.  Fucking leave, you know, I don't care.  You're being such a baby.  Leave, I don't fucking care.

“Leave, I DON'T FUCKING CARE.”

i hope you remember the other half.